


please don't bury us

by sxldato



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Queer Character, Everything Hurts, Gen, Ghosts, God Percy, Implied Relationships, Not A Fix-It, Talking To Dead People, Underworld, like the exact opposite of a fix-it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 08:54:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5450762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sxldato/pseuds/sxldato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What the gods never told Percy was that "forever" was more daunting than death could ever hope to be. And he'd grown quiet since then. His eyes were darker. </p><p>Or: Percy was sixteen, thirty-five, nothing at all, when he visited an old friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	please don't bury us

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [What If Percy Did Become a God?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5405126) by [TheSecretLifeofaFangirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSecretLifeofaFangirl/pseuds/TheSecretLifeofaFangirl). 



> who saw this one coming lmao nOT ME  
> my qp tagged me in a tumblr post with the poem/fic that inspired this and i just. i feel like i got hit by a bus. why is this happening  
> for real i thought since it's been over a year since blood of olympus was released, i was done with pjo, but apparently i was very very wrong. all of the feelings have resurfaced. i don't know what to do with myself  
> beta'd wow incredible  
> title is from "Runnin' (Lose It All)" by Naughty Boy ft. Beyoncé and Arrow Benjamin

It hadn't been too long ago, the last time he was here. Twenty years didn't feel so vast when none of it mattered anymore, when seconds weren't cherished because you'd surpassed the effects of time. It was different, now; the sun rose and fell in rapid succession, a glitching clip show. Twenty years, and neither he nor this place had changed. The memory of it was still clear in his head, vivid and sharp; he didn't want to think about how old he would be-- how old he _wouldn't_ be-- when it started to fade. 

The earth was dry and cracked under his feet, and there was a gaping ache in his chest that he didn't think had been there before. 

He walked along the bank of the Styx. A familiar tugging sensation formed at the small of his back, but it was all in his mind. His tie to mortality had been cut. So many ties had been cut. He wondered if the Fates had control over more than one string.

Shadows flickered through the nearby fields, blending in with the rest of the gloom. He tried to remember what fear felt like, what it was like when he was young and _real_ and had things to be afraid of. 

It was already getting hard to remember. 

He didn't look in the Fields of Punishment and he didn't look in Asphodel, because he refused to think that the boy he'd known-- the man he'd come to see-- had died as anything short of a hero. 

Eternity, unlike what most people thought, didn't grant wisdom. He was just as foolish as he'd been when he was sixteen (truly sixteen), bright-eyed and bold. Still foolish, still prone to mistakes, but now guilt weighed him down like an anvil on his chest because he knew he could have stopped it if he'd been watching. The lionhearted boy who'd lurked in the dark and had been filled with righteous fury... He shouldn't have been a _was,_ shouldn't have been a _used_ _to be_. He should have had more time. 

What the gods never told Percy was that "forever" was more daunting than death could ever hope to be. And he'd grown quiet since then. His eyes were darker. 

He didn't know how he recognized him, because the boy had become a man, and he was no longer thirteen, wiry, scowling. He was stretched long, limbs skeletal and strong the same way a bird's wings were, and his hair was pulled back into a ponytail that just barely met the top of his spine, a few strands slipping out to frame his face. His face, which was fuller and a healthier color than it had ever been when he was alive-- warm, bronzed cheekbones, dark freckles spattering over his nose. 

He was playing cards with an elderly man at a picnic table when Percy found him. He was smiling, and it was genuine and radiant and Percy couldn't recall the last time he'd seen a smile like that. Not on that face.

He realized he was hesitating, and he wasn't all too surprised with himself. There had always been a part of him that feared Nico di Angelo. 

He could try and convince himself all he wanted, make himself believe it was only because they hadn't spoken in so long. Nico was older now, grown-up and confident and honestly kind of beautiful, and Percy was still the same. 

(Percy was  _not_ still the same.)

Nico gave a slight nod to the man across from him, who gave a small smile and vanished into nothing, leaving Nico and Percy alone. It was quiet now, not another soul for as far as Percy could see. It would have made sense _before_ , when Nico was young and angry and volatile, because everyone steered clear of him then (even Percy, and gods, did he feel like a total dick for that). Now Nico seemed warmer, more at peace with himself; there was definitely a power in him, one that could be felt just by being in the same vicinity, but it wasn't explosive like it used to be. Nico wasn't a powder keg anymore, Percy knew that for sure. So where _was_ everyone?

It took him a moment to realize how everything had come full circle, how drastically the tables had turned. Souls ran from _him_ now; a god of tempests, of violent waves and bold crashes of thunder. 

He understood now, he thought a little dumbly, how Nico must have felt all those years. And he hated himself for playing a part in causing such pain in someone, hated himself even more for not noticing.

"You look a little scared for an all-powerful god, if you ask me."

As he spoke, Nico didn't turn around to look at him. 

"Not scared." Percy shoved his hands in his pockets, tried for some informality. They used to be closer than this. "More like apprehensive." 

"They're basically synonyms." He drummed his long, thin fingers on the wooden table. "I'm not mad at you, if that's what's got you worried. And I don't blame you, either... not for any of it. Not anymore." 

"That makes one of us, then." 

Nico's back rose and fell with a sigh. "It's not your job."

"I _promised_ you." 

"You promised me when I was eleven years old. You understand how much has happened since then? Or does it all blur together?"

It might have just been him, but the words felt harsh. A jibe at his lack of humanity. 

"It doesn't matter," he insisted. "I should have been around, I should have been there to help you--" 

"Everything has its time, Percy." Nico's tone was firm, leaving no more room for protests. "My time was up. Maybe it's not fair, maybe I'm young and I could've done so much more, but honestly? I don't feel cheated. Not even a little bit."

Nico swung his legs over the bench, finally facing Percy, and it was strange how much he looked like his father and yet so different. That softness didn't come from Hades; the gentle curve of his mouth, those wide brown eyes, the delicate grace in his movements. Those things came from his mother. His sisters.

"You wanna sit, or are you just gonna stand there?"

Percy sat.

He didn't think they'd ever just... talked, like this. Or at least they hadn't in a long time. Whenever they had exchanged words, it was always because the world was ending or one of them was pissed. Looking back on it, Percy had lost his temper more often than Nico had, yet Nico was the one who was feared and ostracized. (Percy wouldn't ever forget the feeling of his hands wrapped around Nico's throat, in a place not so far from this one.)

"I'm sorry."

"I told you, this wasn't your fault."

"Not for this. I mean, for this, too, but... for the rest of it. For everything else." 

Nico's brows furrowed. "You know how long ago I forgave you for all that? Holding that against you wasn't right of me, anyways. I was just a kid; I'd never been on my own before and I was scared. I took it out on you because I saw that I could."

"This isn't about-- it's not just about her." He couldn't bring himself to say her name, and he felt ashamed that she was a sore spot of guilt on his heart even after all this time. "I didn't give you a chance, I pushed you away because I didn't understand, then everybody else followed my lead."

"Percy--"

"I never realized you being alone all that time was on me, and I'm sorry."

Nico scuffed the heels of his boots in the dirt below his feet, ducking his head despite the fact he was taller than Percy by a good three inches. "It kinda comes with the gig, you know? Being Hades's son. And besides, Percy, _you_ were a kid, too. We were all kids, we didn't know what we were doing. We shouldn't have had to do the things we did."

He didn't want to admit it, but a part of him still saw Nico as a kid. This young man who could clearly hold his own and defend himself, who was in no way the same angry, lost little boy he used to be... Percy felt an ache resonate in his chest, that deep-seated instinct of fraternal protection. No matter how many times Nico said he wasn't mad, that it wasn't Percy's responsibility, Percy couldn't stop feeling like he'd failed someone. 

"Did it hurt?" He asked, immediately regretting it. Nico thankfully seemed to think it was funny, because he was closing his eyes against a grin, long dark lashes smudged against the warmth of his skin.

Nico looked more alive than he ever had topside. 

"I was skewered by _the_ Calydonian boar, Percy. It hurt pretty damn bad." He had a faraway look on his face, like he was reliving it, but there was no fear in him that Percy could discern. "Who told you about me, by the way?"

"Grover sent a letter." 

Nico nodded to himself. "He never liked me too much, did he?" 

"I think he was just nervous you'd kill his plants," Percy said.

Nico snorted. "Yeah, I can't really be pissed at him for that."

The silence hung in the air for a few moments, the two of them shoulder-to-shoulder, taking each other in and the ridiculousness of it all. 

"Tell me you weren't alone," Percy put a dent in the quiet and wished his words didn't sound so much like a plea. "When you..." 

"No, I was in a group. People you used to know." 

Percy tried not to flinch at _used_ _to_. "Did they stay with you?"

"One of them did, while the others went after the boar." There was a delicate smile on Nico's face, as if his death was a pleasant memory. "You remember Will Solace?" 

"Yeah... Medic, right?" 

"He was with me the entire time. Tried his hardest to stop the bleeding, get me to see another day. He kept cracking jokes, too, but I think that was more for his benefit than mine. He told me, 'don't die; doctor's orders.'" He shrugged. "I was never good at following rules." 

Percy felt like crying, and the urge was there, tightening his lungs, but the tears wouldn't come. He supposed that was for the best. 

He suddenly recognized Nico's expression, realized it had been the way he would look Annabeth, back when things had yet to fall apart.

"You and Will... were you...?" 

Nico didn't blush, and Percy wasn't sure if it was because he was dead or because it didn't bother him. "Sort of. It was complicated. Or  _I_ was complicated, if you can imagine that." 

Percy allowed himself a ghost of a grin. "I can, actually." 

"I loved him," Nico said. "Still do. I think he loved me, too, maybe. That's what I'm worried about now, you know? Because I know he'll go the rest of his life thinking he could've saved me." He nudged Percy's shoulder. "Kinda like you." 

Percy scoffed, chose to focus on a large oak tree off on the horizon. 

"You wanna turn into my dad, Percy? That's where you're headed right now, unless you quit beating yourself up for things you can't control. Your grief and rage is gonna build on itself and eat away at you until you're nothing. Trust me, I've been there, and I barely got out."

 _There_ came the tears. He blinked them back, scrubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. Nico was right; an eternity of shame and guilt was going to send him plummeting like Icarus. Sort of fitting, he thought dully, since he'd gone and flown too close to the sun as well. Of _course_ he was going to burn. He'd only been too young to see it.

Zeus had known, he must have, and Percy couldn't bring himself to be mad. After all the shit he pulled, he probably deserved whatever he had coming.

"Percy."

He hadn't heard his name spoken so gently for the longest time, and all it did was bring more tears. He propped his elbows on his knees and let his head rest in his palms. Nico's hand was on his shoulder, radiating comfort and familiarity even though everything had changed. Everything except Percy. 

"I'm gonna tell you something, and you're gonna promise you won't laugh, okay?" Nico waited for Percy to nod, and then said, "When I was a kid-- like, up until I was fourteen-- I had the biggest crush on you." 

Percy froze, then lifted his head to stare at Nico with confusion heavy in his features. "You...  _what?_ " 

"It's good you were so oblivious back then. It was kinda pathetic."

"Why?"

"Jesus, for  _so_ many reasons." Nico dropped his hand from Percy's shoulder. "I could list them all, but I think it would be humiliating for the both of us. The crux of it all, though... you were what I thought was impossible. I didn't believe in heroes. I didn't think anyone could have such strength or bravery. But then you showed up, and you were all those things. You made me feel like the world wasn't so scary, so long as people like you were in it." 

Percy's brows knit together and he wiped away the last of the wetness from his cheeks. "You're bluffing." 

"You're not that stupid, Percy."

Nobody spoke to gods like that, nobody snapped back or gave lip. They were all too afraid to. Nico, for some reason that Percy was struggling to identify, wasn't afraid. "... What's your point?" 

"You're stronger than you give yourself credit for," Nico said, and his eyes were open and honest. "You've got lifetimes upon lifetimes ahead of you; don't waste it dwelling on the moments you screwed up. What's gone is gone and there's nothing you can do except keep moving forward. Take it from a guy who knows."

Percy wanted nothing more than to sink into the ground and bleed into the earth. Hopelessness was more intense than it had been when he was mortal, harder to break out of. It was like molasses; it stuck to his skin, pulled him under, suffocated him until he thought he would die, and then it would do it all over again because he  _couldn't_. He couldn't die. This wouldn't end. 

"Thirty-one years, Percy. That's twice the amount I thought I was gonna get. And it was a good life, for the most part. I figured out how to be happy." An unspoken question dangled at the end of Nico's words, one that Percy didn't want to answer. 

 _Have you?_  

Nico's fingers ran through Percy's hair, and Percy couldn't remember the last person who'd been so gentle with him, who treated him like he was human. Maybe it was that Nico had known what it was like for everyone to see you as a monster, and he wasn't a hypocrite. 

"Feel free to visit me whenever," he said. "I'll be here."

"You're not trying for rebirth?"

Nico shook his head. "I don't think my father could take it if he lost both his kids to rebirth. And I... I want to keep the memories from this life, even if some of them hurt." 

Percy's body was heavy, but he forced himself up onto his feet. He didn't want to resurface, didn't want to deal with the whole world waiting for him upstairs. Down here, with the dead, things were simpler. He understood why Nico had liked being around them so often when he was younger. It was quieter, more peaceful.

He could do with some peace. 

"It was good to see you, Nico." Despite the circumstances, it didn't taste like a lie on his tongue. 

Nico rose to his feet as well. "You do good up there, alright?" He said. "You're strong. Don't let all the bad stuff get to your head." 

"Okay," he replied, but he had no idea how to do what Nico was asking of him. 

"You didn't lose me, Percy. I promise you, you didn't." And then Nico was leaning down to plant a chaste kiss on Percy's cheek, and his touch was warm, like coming home. "So I'll be seeing you around," he murmured. "You can count on that."

With a flicker of shadow and smoke, Nico was gone, and the loneliness settling back into Percy's heart wasn't anything new. 

-

_Where else can I go? Where else can I go?_

_Chasing you, chasing you_

_Memories turn to dust, please don't bury us_

_I got you, I got you_

**Author's Note:**

> Calydonian Boar: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calydonian_Boar


End file.
